I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
