The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
