i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
