And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
