You can't motorboat a personality
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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