I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
