I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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