dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
