Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
