Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
