I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
