I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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