I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
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Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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