Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
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He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
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Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.