and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
