Already got asked if we're dating
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
