i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
