Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
