After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
