I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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