at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
