mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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