I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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