I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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