By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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