pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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