tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
