My brain says no but my pants say off.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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