Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
