just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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