next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
