Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
