I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
