Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
