im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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