A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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