some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
