We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Small penises have feelings too.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
