I need to stop coming to work sober
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
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Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?