Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea