I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
