I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
