I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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