Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
