I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
