a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
