What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
