I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
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It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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