I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
