I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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