You're so nebulous sometimes
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
