someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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