one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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