3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
