Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
