If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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