allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
