New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
