I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
