i jhust puked up my retainher.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
