I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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