why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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