I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You need Xanax blowdarts
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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