I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
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threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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