Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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