I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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