Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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