Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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