That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
