he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
